Have you ever been in a situation where you gave someone so much that they kept taking more without ever stopping to consider whether you had the energy or strength to keep giving?
In this life, we can all be givers or takers, and that's how it's supposed to go: a beautiful dance of giving and receiving.
But not all know how to dance to the tune. Some of us overgive, others overtake. Today, we're focusing on the over-givers: the ones who give and keep on giving to the detriment of their own well-being.
I am a giver myself, and let me tell you, I love this side of me. That's how my blogs come to life, how I keep sharing strategies to help survivors like you and me in my free community and coaching practice, and how the telenovela-like impromptu therapy sessions with my friends happen in the most unexpected ways. And I love it and enjoy it because I'm giving from overflow.
But it wasn't always that easy. As a survivor of trauma and abuse taught to never listen to her needs and put the needs of others above her own, overgiving was second nature to me. That led me to many disappointments and a constant state of borderline burnout.
As I started healing and uncovering the root of my overgiving tendencies, I realized I had to stop expecting people to "get a grip" or "read the room" and society or my boss to stop pressuring me to the edge, and also decided to connect with myself to see the signs I was overgiving, so I could stop myself before I poured from an empty and worn out cup.
I'm sharing with you three signs that, to this day, make me ring the alarm and start pouring into myself again.
#1 You say yes to things and immediately regret it (but don't do anything about it).
We all know this feeling of hanging up the phone and wondering what spirit possessed us to say yes when we wanted to say no. It's a terrible occurrence because one: "Why the hell did I do that?!?" And two: "I already said yes. How can I say no?"
Here's the thing: when we overgive, we don't stop to consider ourselves, or when we do, it's already too late. Or at least, that's what we think.
But we only feel it's too late because we're still in overgiving mode. When we snap out of it, we realize it's okay to self-correct and say no, regardless of having said yes before.
If you catch yourself overcommitting and saying 'yes' when, in reality, it's a sound 'no' for the sake of your mental and physical health and well-being, it's a clear sign that it is time to redirect and start pouring into yourself.
#2 If someone asks you for something small, you snap.
I've been there before: feeling so overwhelmed by self-imposed responsibilities, managing people's lives, fixing mistakes that weren't mine, stepping into roles that didn't belong to me, and then being hit with something as small as: "Would you pass me that water bottle?" and almost imploding.
And you know what? It is to be expected. We can only take in so much!
If small things make you lose it, it's a clear sign that you're running on empty. It means you've given so much that you don't even have the strength for the little things. This is where burnout tends to enter the chat, so if you notice this, it may be the time to call in sick, book those vacations, or simply rest and start saying 'no' until your cup is full again.
#3 You don't remember the last time you did something for yourself that didn't include other people
This is where we have a pep talk because I know you know this is a sign that you're overgiving.
So, with all my love, if you can't remember the last time you did something for yourself that didn't involve taking other people with you, organizing everything for everybody, or going to an event someone else wanted to go to, this is your undeniable sign that you, my friend, have been giving and giving, and forgetting about your own needs.
But this is also a sign that you get to do something for you. Unapologetically. Lovingly. Guilt-free. Because you deserve it.
Yes, you can still be that beautiful, impactful giver, just not at the expense of your well-being. Those times, effective immediately, are gone. You're now a giver that pours into herself first and gives from that overflow.
And I love that for you!
Love,
Erika.
Pssst! If you were nodding while reading this article, wondering how you can stop overgiving, I've got an awesome, free resource for you. Check my masterclass: From Overgiving to Overflowing: How to Give without Losing Yourself in Love and Life. No registration/signup needed. 💗Here.
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