One 'fun fact' about me is that I had a role assigned to me at birth, which is normal, you know? We all have a role appointed to us when we're born. Some of us have more interesting identities than others, but well...
In my case, since I was a kid, It felt like I was supposed to fix everything:
"Your brother has bad grades? Fix it!"
"Angry stepfather? Fix it!"
"I'm frustrated. Listen to me and help me feel better!"
For most of my life, it felt like I was already guilty of something, even before I took my first breath. This message was so reinforced throughout my childhood and all the way into my early twenties that I took it as the truth. They did their job right; they instilled in me the belief that I was a 'fixer.'
So, I set up to fix everything, including relationships, no matter who was at fault and even in the face of abuse.
I tried hard to keep people close to me when it hurt in the hopes of being able to fix them and their behavior. And I took on the fault for other people's actions, just like when I took the blame for my brother's bad marks at school.
As I tell you this, it all makes sense now, but when I started healing, I was shocked. How could an intelligent woman like me do this to herself? But we do it, and even though we have the knowledge, it's not only until we really learn the lessons that we start changing our behavior.
That's why I'm sharing with you the three lessons I learned trying to fix toxic relationships and failing at it. Because, no surprise, every time I tried to fix a toxic relationship by myself, I failed miserably. That is until I learned the lessons you're about to read.
#1 When you're the only one following the loving principles of family (or friendship or a loving relationship), it's not worth trying to fix anything.
Two years ago, I went on a trip to Portugal, where I grew up, and whilst I was there, I gave it my all with this one family member. I was loving, inviting, accommodating of all the nonsense - just because they're family. It was hard to be around them, their snarky comments and judgy glances, but still... I stayed. Luckily, I had some boundaries put in place, and the time we spent together was limited. Nonetheless, I felt drained and saddened afterward.
Even though I tried my best, their behavior didn't change, and I learned they were talking badly about me behind my back. It shattered my heart to go all the way to Portugal after a long trip I'd done to Angola, only to be met with this behavior.
On that day, I understood it: it's not worth it if I'm the only one trying to follow the principles of a relationship based on love and respect. So, I gave myself permission to set myself free from that dynamic.
And it was liberating!
#2 Acceptance is the way to go
After my trip to Portugal, I was confronted with something I always knew but refused to accept: that's just how they are, and most likely, they will never change.
I know acceptance sounds unfair, but here's the deal; when I talk about acceptance, I'm not talking about tolerance and permissivity. This is about seeing things, and people for who they are, not as what we wish they would be, and acting accordingly.
If someone in your life is not supportive, why spend your energy trying to get them to support you? It's best if this energy goes to people who truly love and support you, and if you want to stay in touch with the person with toxic behaviors (which is valid and okay, you go to them expecting things they can actually give.
You know the saying "You can't expect an apple tree to give you lemons?" That's exactly it; if you want lemons, go to 'lemon people' and accept the apple tree for who she is. This will save you from many headaches (and heartaches, too!).
#3 Boundaries are not barriers - They're an invitation for healthier relationships
When I learned about boundaries, I knew I had to set them, but I was terrified, especially with family. I thought setting a boundary meant I was shutting a door on relationships I cared about, but what I didn't realize was that I was opening the door for a healthy, mutually respectful relationship.
Some people automatically respect you without you having to set boundaries, but in toxic relationships, you have to be the one to set those boundaries. And you can do it lovingly!
When you do, you're inviting them to move forward in a way that feels safe and respectful for both sides. Boundaries aren’t about ending relationships; they’re about transforming them.
It’s not always easy, but it’s the most loving thing you can do for yourself and for the possibility of healthier connections.
A word on toxicity:
We are all capable of being toxic and exhibiting toxic and unhealthy behaviors from time to time. Actually, it's a very human thing to do. However, when toxicity becomes constant, leading to disrespect and abuse, that’s when it becomes unhealthy, and not the place you want to stay.
As we've seen in the 3 lessons, you can't "fix" any relationship if you're the only one on board. What you can do for yourself is to bring in inner peace, change your role within the relationship - like stepping out of the fixer role- and set some boundaries.
That will free you up for more loving, supportive, and healthy relationships!
Love,
Erika
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Pssst! If you're struggling with challenging family dynamics, I created the Complete Family Survival Kit to help you understand and release the role you've been playing within your family.
It's packed with tools to protect your energy and comes with access to my 3-day Boundaries Queen Challenge, where you'll learn to set boundaries effectively and from a place of love and feel more confident and at peace in all your relationships.
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